LET'S be honest, not even Ann Summers and a heavy application of war paint, can rescue some women CORONATION STREET (ITV).

Les Battersby is no oil painting, but Cilla in suzzies is not what I'd call the celluloid equivalent of Viagra.

Seeing her give Les a knowing wink and slide a well-toned thigh into view, wasn't so much Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, more Lizzie from Razzle Reader's Wives.

Les, of course, must be lapping it up two women chasing round after him.

RAIL COPS (BBC1) was proof that that all voiceovers sound like John Nettles.

For some reason, I always think it's Old Johnny topping up his pension from Bergerac inbetween series of Midsomer Murders.

As the opening credits rolled, the voiceover trumpeted the action to follow: "Horror on the platform! A boy goes missing! and Elvis makes a dramatic reappearance."

Far be it from me to undermine the British Transport Police, but it's hardly California Highway Patrol, is it?

The voiceover Colin Tierney tried his best to add some drama to proceedings: "A man armed with a bottle is swearing at staff and passengers at Charring Cross Station ."

No, it wasn't the stressed-out conductor.

" The situation is still critical This could be dangerous, Katie withdraws her truncheon ."

The tense' situation ended with a rather confused man being bribed to leave the station with the promise of a cigarette once outside.

As for him being "armed with a bottle", well, he had been "carrying" one. The unrelenting drama continued a heroin addict stole a 99p yoghurt (not quite the Great Train Robbery), a 13-year-old Canadian boy went "missing" (lost was the word I'd have used) and a man had a leg amputated after throwing himself in front of a train (let's see him explain that down the pub )

What became clear was that the various inner city stations around London are not so much platforms, but the waiting rooms for One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

BAD LADS ARMY (ITV) saw a couple of cracking quotes from the generals who are now becoming as adept at shouting Oi!' as Grant Mitchell.

"Your breath smells like a dung smuggler's duffle bag" and "you've got the flexibility of a cow on a trampoline" were personal favourites.

Disproving the adage that National Service made men out of boys, posh-talking, high-brow art critic Brian Sewell explained he had been there and done it himself.

Sounding like Kenneth Williams with a cold, he offered his view of the experience: "Ronning round the squire, with your rifle up hayer it twas hapsaloot victimizayshon "

THE REAL BAD GIRLS (ITV) profiles the sort of lass you sometimes see in the Chinese takeaway late on a Friday night clutching a bottle of Blue WKD and having a row with her boyfriend. All braided hair, skeletal face and big earrings.

I'm all for understanding why people end up in prison, but this programme offers little insight and just provides an excuse for inmates to act up for the cameras.

I'm not sure people deserve a platform if their words of wisdom result in: "Frew some girl through a McDonald's winda once - she was fat as well."

The logo on her sweatshirt read Just Do It.

She should get one saying: "Just Don't."

"Just cos we're in prison, don't make us bad people," she offered.

Erm, it probably does One of those profiled was Kerry who was on remand following the horrific murder at her flat of a 17-year-old girl who was strangled and then set on fire.

This lovely specimen of feminity had helpfully applied the petrol, although the voiceover assured us that Kerry hadn't realised someone would light it.

Her 20 months on remand waiting for the trial must have proved welcome study time to revise her court papers so she could get her story straight in court.

"My whole life depends on how I perform in the witness box," said Kerry.

I didn't like that word perform' but she used the acting analogy again when she described being in the dock as like being in a school play.

She's now doing 15 years for murder.

But as the rest of us learnt at school, if you play with fire, you get burnt.