SHOULD a mysterious caller come on the phone and tell you he has planted a bomb in the building where you work, what would you do?

I for one would be out of the premises and down the road faster than a bolt of lightening, but that is not the way bosses of the Morecambe Bay Hospitals NHS Trust want their staff to react.

Their document: ‘Actions to be taken on receipt of a bomb threat’ requires staff to quiz the caller and fill in two A4 sheets of answers based on the bomber’s answers.

Imagine the situation – the phone rings and a voice says: “I am going to blow up your building.” The NHS worker says: “hold on a minute will you caller” and shuffles through a filing cabinet to find the necessary forms.

Then: Step 1: Tell the caller which town/district you are answering from – “This is the NHS offices at Kendal, are you sure you have the right number?” Step 2: Record the exact wording of the threat - “Can you just hang on a minute please Mr Terrorist while I write that down? How do you spell imperialist and was that other word lackey?” Step 3: Ask the following questions: Where is the bomb right now? Was that in the foyer I heard you say?

When is it going to explode? Oh that soon!

What does it look like? Not that I am going to go and interfere with it you understand.

What will cause it to explode? Anyone using the phone for more that five minutes – now that’s a very novel idea?

Did you place the bomb? No I’m not being critical or implying guilt, I am just impressed that you could get in and out without being spotted with a thing that big.

What organisation is responsible? Of course when I say responsible I don’t want you to think I am apportioning blame or anything like that.

What is your name? Sorry can you spell that – it sounds a bit foreign on this line.

What is your address? That’s just for our records you understand and, as you know, they won’t exist in, let me see... another two-and-a-half-minutes going by your timing.

What is your telephone number? Just in case one of my colleagues needs to get back to you.” Step Four and Five: record time the call was completed and keep telephone line open - even through the line has gone dead and through the window you can see the man who was in the telephone box over the road running like a maniac in the opposite direction.

The instructions say that only then should the employee phone the police and security co-ordinator before turning to sheet two with 36 boxes to tick giving details about the caller’s sex and nationality, whether they were well spoken or irrational, calm, laughing, stuttering, excited or familiar.

Through the whole stressful ordeal the employee should also have had time to notice if there were: street, house or office noises in the background, whether there were animal sounds, or even the chink of crockery.

Employees are then urged to: “write down any other remarks then sign the form (print name) and now proceed to Action Card Two” – inevitably an incomprehensible bureaucratic flow chart on management contact procedure which can presumably be studied in the final few seconds before there is an almighty bang.

age screening “HAVE you got a 14 year-old but can’t get him or her into Love, Actually at the Royalty, Bowness (cert15)?” asks John Ogden, of Kendal. “Never mind, go to Zeffirelli’s in Ambleside. It’s advertised as 12A there!” There must be something in the Ambleside air that brings on premature ageing, I suppose.